Kashii’s blog

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nobody@vox.com(Cassie) — Sun, 06 Apr 2008 12:55:53 -0700

Sometimes even my closest friends and family don't understand how deeply my feelings run. Although I don't necessarily express my needs in emotionally charged language, my heart can be as vulnerable as anyone else's

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032008

nobody@vox.com(Cassie) — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 20:22:08 -0700

...The beauty of yesterday with you.

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=P

nobody@vox.com(Cassie) — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 08:36:14 -0700

This could be nothing but I am willing to give it a try...

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^ ^

nobody@vox.com(Cassie) — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 23:55:04 -0700

w00t!

HAPPIEST Wednesday thus Far...

And I can't wait for tomorrow!

I know you ain't got no clue is to what I am referring to, as it should be. FOR NOW. Sooner or later I am going to end up writing about it anyway.

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UNTITLED

nobody@vox.com(Cassie) — Sun, 09 Mar 2008 13:54:57 -0700

Sleep Deprivation; I am hoping not to be diagnosed anytime soon. But I don't get that much needed sleep either. Sadly, insufficient rest is making me rather irritable and I have been eating a lot than usual. Those who know me are very much aware how I love food and my habit of eating. Lately it has gotten worse and quite frankly, it is scaring the shit out of me. Why? Oh, have I got so many things to say is to why I am terrified. I am already vision impaired, I don't need any more form of physical or mental impairments add to all my concerns. Inadequate rest impairs our ability to think, to handle stress, to maintain a healthy immune system and to moderate our emotions. Each and everyone of us knows the fact that, sleep is so important to our overall health that total sleep deprivation has been proven to be fatal. I don't exactly like the idea of my brain's ability to function quickly deteriorates, operates less effectively, concentration levels drop or my memory to become impaired. (hell no!) You see, many things in my life have had happened that I would really love to remember someday, and I want to be able to reminisce and time and time again savor that certain bliss I have felt. Honestly, knowing too damn much information about what's worrying me is scary enough

In other note, I decided to cook lunch for all of us today. I chose Sinigang; it is a Philippine dish, typically sour and often incorporates stewed fish, pork, chicken, shrimp, or beef. It's characteristic taste is attributed to the ingredient that gives its sour taste, not to the meat's flavor. In short, it's good and it is one of my favorites. So, I picked pork as my main ingredients since I have been eating too much fish lately (mmm, sushi! hahaa!) anyway, when you cook sinigang, do you intend to serve it as a soup or as a main dish? you ask. The answer to that question will determine your choices as to the cut of meat you can use.If you intend to serve the sinigang as a soup (meaning you have another dish for the main course), then, the important thing is to have the best quality broth you can make. That means bones — lots of bones. If, however, you intend to serve the sinigang as the main dish, you need meatier cuts of pork. Otherwise, you’ll be practically serving rice with broth and vegetables and very little meat. So I was so excited and I brought it to a boil for 10 minutes and I couldn't wait for it to simmer. And when it did and as I was ready to put the rest of the ingredients I noticed something unusual. The porks where floating! Now based to what my mom told me and what I learned back in Elementary (6th grade in P.I) other than spoilled egg only horses and cat's meat float when boiled. Then I started freaking out! I called my mom from work, wake my dad up who has been sleeping for only 20 minutes, tired from work, called my tia Gia and asked them the same question; WHERE DID YOU GET THE MEAT?! Luckily, my mom was on break, Tita Gia was on the train on her way to Sacramento, and dad, well, was alarmed, "what? what? what's going on?!" lol! They gave me the same answer though, they bought it from Sacramento Natural Food Co-op. The company is known for selling foods and products free from synthetic additives or processing. They promised consumers that they will not knowingly sell products containing artificial preservatives, hydrogenated oils, trans fats, artificial flavorings and coloring, antibiotics, and hormones. Pork meat or horse's meat? I guess we'll never going to find out since I don't really feel like calling them and file a complaint over meat on a nice Sunday afternoon. Let's say the meat was indeed a horse, that would've been nauseatingly disgusting! Rotten pork won't float but it sure will produced bad smell, a stench that will corrupt your brain hahaa!

I ended up cooking tinola instead!

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DARE...

nobody@vox.com(Cassie) — Sun, 02 Mar 2008 19:11:24 -0800

bondage and freedom
opening eyes to truth
shattering the image that has blinded so many
bound to an idea
bound to tradition
bound to past mistakes
bound to the pursuit
of that which will kill you
buildings beautiful on the outside
empty on the inside
no longer will stand
stop being blindly led to be slaughtered
Will you continue to be a pawn
used by others as they see fit?
Dare to see the world as it really is...

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For I am Creator and Created

nobody@vox.com(Cassie) — Sun, 02 Mar 2008 14:58:28 -0800

I'm strewn across a mad weaving of colors- so intricate, novel and beautiful

Much like the virtues I've long admired

I selected these tresses with love, delighted by my design

But slowly the tapestry I wove grasps me, holds my arms apart and grapples my throat,

Wraps my body hard against the thousand threads-

Choking, choking, choking

I painted your face with a stroke of a brush

I tap life into canvas

Majestic, each hue an account of this heart and its many offspring-

Passion, desperation, lust, hate... and more, so much more

Now your face haunts me

As this portrait's become a nail struck in the core of my mind

I speak with the tongue of angels at some point

for I beckon the crowd and they listen

They believe, they follow, singing my praises and taking part of that so called light

My voice used to heal

...till I fool myself no more and fool nobody else;

the adoring crowd has turned into an angry mob

And they aim to cause me harm

Nothing can be undone but I can alter, maybe even repair

I can patch, paint anew and hold these speeches

But for tonight I stay anonymous

With the choice to leave or to stay

As the works of my hands glisten their way to a fresh morn

in hope, that new life begins with a new day.

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in your heart and mine

nobody@vox.com(Cassie) — Sun, 02 Mar 2008 14:28:19 -0800

Too lovely Sunday afternoon, though I barely go to church anymore, still, this remains to be one of my favorite places; especially in between masses, when fewer people are around. I feel at peace.

God lives within me. I know I don't need any mediator- be it this house of worship, a priest, a particular ritual or anything external to bring me to that which already lives in my heart, there's such a thing as direct access but, if this works for others then let them be. Whatever helps them connect.

I think this place is effective mainly because despite differences, people come here with the same spirit; as an act of faith into something or someone that's invisible... inexplicable yet real and powerful. Regardless if it's out of tradition or not, one person believing that, can already work magic, all the more whenever two or more are gathered in my name.

It's nice outside today and the sky is so blue. I walk closer to that mesmerizing corner where you light candles and one by one, I made them glow. It is not the color, not the form nor the length of the candle that entices, not even the scent for that can't provide either light or warmth, but the flame- the same beautiful flame that's carried by them.

I stood there for a while. It makes me smile to think that each of us is a candle. That may sound odd. Well, I'm still smiling anyway.

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A Monologue on Widespread Perplexities

nobody@vox.com(Cassie) — Sun, 24 Feb 2008 13:51:24 -0800

Sometimes it's better to be confused than to have all the answers and be somehow maimed by them. Oscar Wilde said there are only two kinds of people that are fascinating - the ones that know it all and the ones that know absolutely nothing, yet I also heard somewhere that the fool thinks he knows everything while the sage thinks he knows nothing but if "I think therefore I am", doesn't that make both right? I don't know which category I fall under. My ideas have me spinning. It dawns on me that four fifths of the world population view life as a trial, a tribulation, a karmic debt that must be paid, a time of testing, a school where harsh lessons must be learned, and in general, a time to be endured while awaiting the real joy which is after death. I on the other hand see life as a celebration - whence I have nothing to learn or prove, least of all my worthiness. If desire is the very life force that flows in and out of my lungs and not the attainment of my goals but the desire in itself, why am I complicating things out of proportion?

I know that the journey never ends and that far sightedness never amounts to any good. Ironic or silly even to plan out life way ahead for now is really all that matters because now is all I've got. How do I spend this now? When most of my time is usurped not by actions but by the thoughts that guide them and I pertain to my daydreams of the FUTURE! Yet can there be a more fruitful, more productive way of spending my now other than daydreaming of what's to come and I feel good about it this instant anyway? If my only purpose, (or anybody's really) is to DECIDE what I want at this given moment and go after it or let it come to me, how is it that everything around me says otherwise? Why does it seem so much harder and so much more compound than that? I hate….how we are being manipulated, how we are fashioned by the media or the experience of others so much so that we deny our own experience so as not to betray what everyone else has said even though everyone else has a vested interest in the way we think! The answer is right frickin there, so obvious that it's gonna hit us between the eyes but we keep looking away.

We like it. We enjoy our awareness and non awareness, no matter how much we try to deny it because if we didn't then we would've changed already to a better state (by however we choose to define "better")! But changing can be so difficult especially when we don't want to. When we're ready, we will. We're like kids who don't want to leave the sandbox and hate anyone who's trying to help us out not knowing they're gonna take us to Disneyland.

Life is delicious in all of its glory- the bad, the good, the grief, the joy, the mediocre, the grand- for we get to appreciate our preference more. The peak experiences are peak experiences because they're not ALWAYS there, if they were- they would just be ordinary, humdrum events that are routine like everything else.

So maybe this is what I'm doing. I guess to appreciate the clarity of my perspective I occasionally wanna be confused!!!!! Doesn't make sense does it? Or maybe it does…

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QUESTIONS

nobody@vox.com(Cassie) — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 21:07:03 -0800

The problem with most people is that they don't even know who they are. They try to fill other men's shoes. Spending all their life trying to be someone else. They pursue images and fantasies. They are always told what to do, how to dress, where to go, what to say and even how to think. Brainwashed. Preprogrammed to react. To salivate at the sound of a bell. Never do they stop to think is this real? Is what I'm trying to get as good as everyone tells me? What is it that I really want? Should I try and go against the current? Does any one ask those questions? No, they just race as quickly as they can, being driven by the current down stream only to find the waterfall and the jagged rocks beneath that have claimed so many. And have still so many left to claim.

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