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Sometimes it's better to be confused than to have all the answers and be somehow maimed by them. Oscar Wilde said there are only two kinds of people that are fascinating - the ones that know it all and the ones that know absolutely nothing, yet I also heard somewhere that the fool thinks he knows everything while the sage thinks he knows nothing but if "I think therefore I am", doesn't that make both right? I don't know which category I fall under. My ideas have me spinning. It dawns on me that four fifths of the world population view life as a trial, a tribulation, a karmic debt that must be paid, a time of testing, a school where harsh lessons must be learned, and in general, a time to be endured while awaiting the real joy which is after death. I on the other hand see life as a celebration - whence I have nothing to learn or prove, least of all my worthiness. If desire is the very life force that flows in and out of my lungs and not the attainment of my goals but the desire in itself, why am I complicating things out of proportion? I know that the journey never ends and that far sightedness never amounts to any good. Ironic or silly even to plan out life way ahead for now is really all that matters because now is all I've got. How do I spend this now? When most of my time is usurped not by actions but by the thoughts that guide them and I pertain to my daydreams of the FUTURE! Yet can there be a more fruitful, more productive way of spending my now other than daydreaming of what's to come and I feel good about it this instant anyway? If my only purpose, (or anybody's really) is to DECIDE what I want at this given moment and go after it or let it come to me, how is it that everything around me says otherwise? Why does it seem so much harder and so much more compound than that? I hate….how we are being manipulated, how we are fashioned by the media or the experience of others so much so that we deny our own experience so as not to betray what everyone else has said even though everyone else has a vested interest in the way we think! The answer is right frickin there, so obvious that it's gonna hit us between the eyes but we keep looking away. We like it. We enjoy our awareness and non awareness, no matter how much we try to deny it because if we didn't then we would've changed already to a better state (by however we choose to define "better")! But changing can be so difficult especially when we don't want to. When we're ready, we will. We're like kids who don't want to leave the sandbox and hate anyone who's trying to help us out not knowing they're gonna take us to Disneyland. Life is delicious in all of its glory- the bad, the good, the grief, the joy, the mediocre, the grand- for we get to appreciate our preference more. The peak experiences are peak experiences because they're not ALWAYS there, if they were- they would just be ordinary, humdrum events that are routine like everything else. So maybe this is what I'm doing. I guess to appreciate the clarity of my perspective I occasionally wanna be confused!!!!! Doesn't make sense does it? Or maybe it does…
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The problem with most people is that they don't even know who they are. They try to fill other men's shoes. Spending all their life trying to be someone else. They pursue images and fantasies. They are always told what to do, how to dress, where to go, what to say and even how to think. Brainwashed. Preprogrammed to react. To salivate at the sound of a bell. Never do they stop to think is this real? Is what I'm trying to get as good as everyone tells me? What is it that I really want? Should I try and go against the current? Does any one ask those questions? No, they just race as quickly as they can, being driven by the current down stream only to find the waterfall and the jagged rocks beneath that have claimed so many. And have still so many left to claim.
Him: Hi Cassie my dear insane friend, How are you today?
Me: Hmm... dandy thanks for asking, (gave him a smile)
Him: Good, good.
Me: How about you? everything are still crazy good I bet?
Him: Oh yes I've been good, you know school and of course basketball.
Me: I haven't seen you in a while, How was your heart day?
Him: You know me Cass, of course it went well, great actually hahaa!
Me: (rolls eyes)
Him:(sniff) So tell me, what did you do that day with your boyfriend? What did you get? C'mon spill it out!
Me: err quit it with that BF thang or I'll kick your balls off!
Him: hahaha!! geez...
man beater, he whispered.
Him: So...?
Me: went kicked it with a friend for a couple of hours...
Him: A friend huh? Do I know this friend of yours?
Me: Yes, no, maybe so?
Him: A boy or a girl?
Me: Can you please stop interrupting while I'm talking?
Him: Fine, fine!
Me: So yeh, had an early dinner, went home, tried to sleep early but I couldn't so I started drawing...
Him: Oh yeah huh, you just started using charcoal sticks.
Me: uhmm huh And I'm really getting better.
Him: Psh! I could draw better. That's it?! So you didn't get anything for V-day?
Me: No. why in the hell do you care?
Him: I have this feeling that you are not telling me everything.
He turned his back on me and walked away. After 10 minutes or so, He came back with a pot of Orchids. He handed it to me;
Him: Here you go, HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!
Me: Where'd you get this? How do you know I like them?
Him: Across the street. You ask too many damn questions just take it!
Me: THANKS!
Him: Anytime! So now, who's the beast?! Hahaa!
Out of all the people I have met, he's the last person that I'd think of who will do such thing. This was actually the nicest conversation we had ever, because most of the time it's like this:
Him: What the hell are you smiling about?! Shit!
Me: What's your problem?! Marea just told me something funny. And what's your excuse?
Him: Hahahaa! because I don't want to see you happy! Notice how I am All smile whenever you're having a bad day?
Me: I'm sorry you're an...
Him: Say it!
Me: Later when you get home, watch Shrek. You're in that movie, you're Shrek's best bud, remember that character.
No, we don't hate each other. We simply can't get along. Fortunately, I get to see his face 2 days a week... come to think of it that's just perfect ")
I love you? 3 words. They seem to roll so easily off the tongue. Said by so many. Said more times on this day, Valentines, than on any other day. But do people really understand what they say? Many people say I love you. But really mean I love you because...
...because when I'm around you my social status is elevated
...because I lust for you
...because I'm lonely & want to be near someone
...because of all the good things that you do for me
...because ...
And the list goes on. Or people say I love you but only when...
...only when I feel like it
...only when you love me back
...only when it is convenient
...only when it is best for me
...only when ...
No one really understands what love is. Love is not an emotion or a feeling it is a commitment. God's love That is love. To think about the God kind of love or to try and reason it out why Jesus would do what He did is impossible. In reality we have no understanding of what real love is.
In my life I have learned to not carelessly or meaininglessly let the words "I Love You" just role off my tongue in a manner that has no value and no worth. I have also come to cherish the "I Love You"(s) that I receive because to me those 3 words are not just trite meaningless words. When I speak the words "I Love You", know that I am saying that no matter what happens, no matter what the situation, no matter what my emotions tell me or what I feel like I WILL BE YOUR FRIEND. Whatever it costs me, I will be a true friend, even to the very end. The faithfulness of a friend is the only true measure of one's love for another. No greater love has any man, than he lay down his life for his friend.
Now what is love to you? Have you been guilty of saying "I love you" and really meant something else entirely?
There used to be a time when I wrote for a hugely popular site.
In part because I liked doing so, but mostly - quite frankly - because of all the attention I received, and of that, I received a lot more than I ever bargained for. Even now, while there hasn't been a sign of life on that site since more than a year, there are still over a thousand people who subscribe to it.
There used to be a time when it would thrill me to have that many subbers, but I have changed a lot since. It wasn't attention that I craved for, but something else instead, even though I didn't know that at the time. For a while, I mistook my poor ego-boosting little game for happiness. When you say that this is pretty pathetic, I'd say you're absolutely right.
I have since experienced, that the pursuit of happiness, may in fact well be the pursuit of a substitute thereof, when what you believe to be your heart's desire, once obtained, turns out to be utterly unable to quench the deepest thirst of your soul in the long run.
Sure, you may be happy for a while when you finally got what you always wanted. You may have found a relationship, the job you always wanted, a bigger pay check, the winning lottery ticket, local fame, or whatever it is you want most of all. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
But disappointment kicks in, when it turns out that what looked so promising at first, isn't quite what you expected. In fact, it almost never is, and for some, it may never be quite enough, because the moment one desire is fulfilled, another one emerges. Happiness, it seems, is always two steps ahead of you, and so the pursuit continues.
I attended a lecture by an ex-convict not too long ago, a former colonel in the military police who had become willingly involved in transporting drugs. All he had to do, was placing his signature and look the other way, and for that he made incredible amounts of money on a weekly basis. When asking him how satisfactory that was, he told me that it was never enough to him, and that all he could worry about was a), how to get more money, and b). how to keep the money that he had, safe. On top of that, he also had to look over his shoulder all the time. And no, this is not the preachy "crime doesn't pay" kind of talk, because in this particular case, crime paid a truckload of money. But ultimately, it didn't bring him happiness.
Happiness is not a matter of pursuing, getting or having anything, as I realized some time ago, but is rather a profound sense of wellbeing, calmness of heart, quietness of mind. It is that very state of being, which enables you to enjoy even the most seemingly simple things to a degree that only happiness will allow you. Even a glass of water can be tasty when you are able to enjoy it, but when you're stressed out, it is quite impossible to enjoy anything at all.
All I can say is that I have found my peace, in the very same reason why Christmas is being celebrated, and I'm a happier person because of that. I find that the deepest thirst of my soul has finally been quenched, and that happiness is no longer something that I need to pursuit. It isn't somewhere out there. It is right here, inside, where neither moth nor rust do corrupt it. Better is a handful with quietness, than both the hands full with travail and vexation of spirit...
Happiness to all of you -- the genuine kind!
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