What everyone else is doing with their vibration is really none of your business, I know it gets frustrating because every now and then you get the urge to "save" them but nobody needs to be saved, everything has its own time and right now we got to enjoy the balance, the diversity!
"Cass I am worried about you" she said while chewing her first bite of her garlic bread. I knew what she was going to say next so I said; Spaghetti just seems lonely without garlic bread. "Don't you dare change the subject. You always do this and trust me, It's annoying. I know for sure that you're aware of that and that's the main reason you do it. Stop it and talk to me like a grown up for once. Come on be serious! What is the quality you most like in a man?" she asked and I was thinking ( What?! No! I don't want to talk about it. Psh! what the heck might as well, she won't leave me alone if I don't) So I found myself thinking for a couple of minutes and I said; Moral conviction. I want him to stand out in a natural and acceptable way. It's a subtle, yet powerful, character trait: strong moral convictions yes. She chew some more, "uhmm huh... so what else?" Courage, Courageous people wake up in the morning, ready to race with time and make the most of the day. And I want him to be courageous enough to stand by his own decisions no matter how big or how simple they are. Her phone rung, she cuss under her breath like always. I've gotten so use to it that it didn't irritate me as much anymore. She turned it off and said "continue" as girly as it can get. Well, I glance at the "gorgeous" waiter serving our food, She said; hi you! he smiled and said "let me know immediately if you guys need anything else" and I mouthed "he's hot!" when the guy made his way back to the kitchen. "Oh gosh stop it!" she said giggling. "James is gay" My jaw dropped out of disbelief, NO WAY! "waaaay!' How can you be so sure? "I used to work with him" oh really? "Yes, at Sport Chalet" I see, I like gay people they're fun to be with. " I can't believe you, you can't seriously tell if they're gay or not?! oh you're funny." so as I was saying I find brave guys attractive. And he has to have the ability to surprise and make me laugh. A guy who can make me cry out of laughing too much is a must. "You made it sound so simple but you have to agree with me that they don't exist....yet." THEY DO! And if that guy is not dreaming but already living his dreams it's even better. "AHHH YOU'RE ASKING FOR TOO MUCH" It's fine you know, after all I am giving him my heart.
The conversation between me and my cousin didn't end here but once again, I have proved myself that my view on MEN has changed.
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relatively, one productive night ...
You are a complicated blessing, if there be such a thing. This is the part you turn and walk away But instead you smirk, shaking your head, name me silly among the adjectives you carelessly (or carefully) select to shower me with- that other girls would kill to so sincerely hear.Other girls would fly happy as strawberry champagne buzzed angels If they'd be with who and where I am today But unfortunately, we both have nothing to do with other girls. You are blue sapphire that broke free from mold Indefinably, you move with a grace that bears your own signature- Beautiful even in melancholy, sweet even in revenge; In your hands rests a world of brilliance. No one would have guessed For very few times do we look not with eyes (not to say you're not easy on them) To see depth, To swim in the silver pool of the mind… Glad I gave you the benefit of the doubt. --- There's something rotten in this city, you can taste it in the air. Something salty, rushed, artificially flavored that cyclically drops in the mouth of its people, welcome as acid rain to the unintelligent vegetable. Candied tongues housed in damnable bodies- licking pomp, chasing absurdly the colored pieces of paper that in the end only serve to make them fat as lard -each and every single one! ---- Pigs always prefer maggot pies over a most decent meal. --- Skyward bent the red branches of this lonely tree With leaves few and far in between, crunchy gold in the loveless afternoon- I make home beneath you Right on the certain spot of grey riot, hidden from the sun. Tombstones and shallow graves for guest rooms- My bedfellows prancing, once all flesh wearing. We watch their beloveds weep While there is nothing, no one just formerly branded shells in place… Date of birth, dash, date of death. *dash* is all they know, all they own. Happy to think mine's the rest. Warmed only by a multitude of mistakes By and by the end looms near Drifting in secret midst this January chill Peace... lives here. --- Here we sit before each other, silent, our feet naked on the carpeted floor. I'm waiting for the moment he stops chewing on his nail. I don't have all night. I have so much to say, volumes at the back of my tongue of ready-to-preach. But he stalls and I wait…and I wait and he stalls…vacant, and empty like the pack of Marlboro lights he just breathed through his nostrils and this bottle of Henney we got from the liquor store down the street. I really don't like waiting. He sighs heavily and I break the quiet. He'd still play cool, mumble "I know" but listen, I say, listen close: you don't know. And it's not okay. I make him look me in the eye and blatantly, cruel to a degree, jog the memory of all he's done. Forget about me, his preposterous family, and the few people who genuinely gave a shit, what we think is none of his business but do tell- Is this you? Is this who you are? I don't need minute truth but I need something. Anything he can give. He looks away. I don't stop, the room seems smaller and I watch myself close in, lashing what we both knew but never nerved to speak. I touch him. For the first time in a long time ah, there, I see tears. These, he quickly brushed with his left hand. So he feels. He's crying… and right now, really, I just want to make him cry. |
You know, if I don’t write this, I’ll mumble and you won’t like me when I mumble.
I don't understand which mechanism compels to want to make anything that makes us happy last forever. Maybe that's it. Everybody just wants to be happy and forever. I suspect we innately know that life itself is eternal; we try to imitate and humanize that eternality so we get attached. So we invented security. And we think that this thing we have now (or dream of having), be that an enduring relationship, be that a stimulating job, a beloved pet, a religion even, a hobby is going to incite that same feeling without end. But that's not how it goes, does it? I mean, when one really likes pizza and eats too much, chances are, even if that person claims pizza to be so dear, he/she would eventually get revolted by it, then avoid it for the next six months and turn to a different pie. I know passions are not pies.
People change. And for the sake of expansion, they should. There's no way around that hence the dear "pizza" is bound to change also (or be replaced). Unless you're enlightened enough to constantly direct focus in the wanted and ever find room for the new in your pie. Or you're just really lucky.
Is it possible to be with one person for the rest of your life and stay happy? Is it possible to commit to one thing, anything for always and never regret it? Anything's possible should we try. But many wonder why we'd even want to. My theory is, those who wonder never met a deep love... or have but are afraid of it. 25th anniversary of my parents today, it hasn't been perfect but I look at them and they ARE happy. This IS what they consciously want.
In this landscape of infinite potentials….where you can experience so much, be (or be with) so many, it's like you owe it to yourself to have a go at it. To not be held back by anything, anyone else! (Is that why they call marriage "settling down"?) To govern your life without responsibility, to be stripped free of the cumbersome obligations to do, provide and please someone who's not you. We ARE born free and shouldn't we act like it?
But what is out there really? Everyday we hear of stories or personally experience ourselves going on a limb to find out.
Sometimes I feel like those who give heart and soul, pissed drunk into the wild after massive orgies that so many living "normal lives" envy are more miserable than mirth filled. There are many prominent examples. And they ran, sang and bled the way only the most audacious can. Yet once sober again, alone again- you can almost hear their brains' loneliness from a mile.
But I'm sure not all. Maybe some are actually as happy as they appear.
I am two women: one wants to have all the joy, passion and adventure that life can give me. The other wants to be a slave to routine, to family life, to the things that can be planned and achieved. Im a housewife and a prostitute, both of us living in the same body and doing battle with each other.The meeting of these two women is a game with serious risks. A divine dance. When we meet, we are two divine energies, two universes colliding. If the meeting is not carried out with due reverence, one universe destroys the other.(-coelho)
So who wins? I don't know. I'm stuck between having no time to waste and forever to decide. But most assuredly, happiness isn't born from outside of me so either way I guess it just doesn't matter.
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~~~~~~~~
And sometimes they can leave one utterly speechless.
|
I stand at the gate
Destiny lies before me
Dare I enter?
To slay the beast
All for this
To be rid of this fear
These shackles
I reach to open the gate
My soul is gripped with fear
Paralyzed, unable to move
Courage wells up within me
I break free and open the gate
My heart is racing
To go, where no one dares
To enter that all but forgotten realm.
Down, down, ever downward
Even to the depths of hell
I know I am near as
The blood of past others,
Victims of the beast,
Valiant warriors fallen,
Their blood lies about
I enter thy chamber
Already waiting for me,
Knowing I would come
With vicious fury
she unleashes an unrelenting attack.
The battle rages for days and weeks
Even years go by
Blow by blow
Her ravenous attack, leaves me battered and broken
But,
Somehow, somehow I continue,
Continue to stand,
Continue to fight.
Weakness and fatigue are ever present
Though, never will I surrender
Only die or overcome.
I strike a lucky blow
A fatal blow
I pierce her heart
Penetrating to the innermost
Beyond flesh
Even to the deepest reaches of her soul
All is shaken as the wretched beast
Falls dead to the ground.
I have done it.
I have killed the beast,
But,
Only to find that the beast was me
And now that I've slain myself
I am no more.
But free, I'm finally free.
Despite my ambivalence (wavering hope) for the future I do have a problem with the phrase "children are our future". Somebody sung that sh*t in a song I think it went something like "I believe that children are our future teach them well and let them lead the way.... (I don't remember the rest of the lyrics)" and ever since then it has been nothing but a catch phrase that has become as empty as a beauty pagent contestant talking about world peace and ending poverty. I have nothing against the song because it was a very positive, uplifting, and hopeful song. However, the phrase "children are our future" is an overly-hyped unexamined euphemism that allows adults to feel less accountable for the work left undone today.
Did I just say that!?!? Yes I did!! Tell them why you're mad bubblesl No problem. I cannot say for certain that I know where people got the coveted catch phrase from but I presume it was from that song or some ancient philosophy that is mis-understood. We often say that children are our future but we rarely comment or speak to how we as the elder generation are preparing these children for the said future. Parents merely send their children off to school without largely participating in what their children are being taught. Schools are constantly failing the kids but I only know two women that homeschools her child (and they both works full time so I don't want to hear any of that I don't have the time nonsense, it's called sacrifice). Teachers largely constrained by bullshit curriculum (though most a lot of them don't really care) teach kids how to be mindless drones instead of thoughtful entities. After about six to seven hours of that, kids come home and watch endless hours of television (this is not to say all television programming are bad but a lot of it out right sucky) Often learning nothing in the process. Also most parents, mostly urban parents tend to live and die by the phrase once you are eighteen you are getting the hell out. While that phrase might not necessarily be true, to that extent it does imply that parenting typically stops at that age and I find that to be a negligence on the part of all adults in that childs life. 18 may make a child legal and adult to you but it does not mean there is nothing left to teach that child. If you ask me this is the second most important stage of parenting after the informative years of habit and personality setting. Most children learn through exploring and from all their mistakes and having their parents and other adults there to make sure they don't fall through the cracks. But an 18-22 year old knows nothing or very little about being an adult in this world. It is during this time that being a parent is imperative seeing as a more mature adult, parents should be able to help guide the newly minted adult in understanding the struggles and pressures of adult life. Personally, that is why I am always at the feet of my elders learning everything I can.
Only people who are close to me know my entire philosphy on children and parenthood. My philosphy on parenthood is simply this. When one has a child their life should effectively be over point blank and simple. I know a lot of parents don't like that but tough. It is my belief that when one has a child, that child is an extension of themselves and from that point on, the parent(s) should be sacrificing their own lives in order to prepare their children to one day live in this world without them. That means I shouldn't see any parents in the club, period. And I know parents are like "we need a break sometimes." Parenting is a full time job and I don't mean that bull eight to ten hour shift that you do for your employer for a paycheck. Parenting is 24 hours a day seven days a week. And until I am personally able to surpass the metrics of my parenting philosophies I will see myself unfit to have children.
Regadless of how unfit (in my eyes) a lot of these people still want to have children. They decide to bring a child into this world anyway. The adverse affects of children being born to unfit parents is readily evident. I don't think I have to point out to you that most children have no respect for their own parents now a days. Many of them out here with dreams with no idea about how to go about pursuing them, which leaves most youth lost and desparate, looking for guidance they eventually get from a cruel uncaring world.
For a society that largely purports in believing their children being the future I see very little evidence of it. Or maybe I am seeing the future these children are suppose to inherit a lot differently than most. In short, stop expecting your children to be the miracle that you never were unless you are prepared to sacrifice your life to make it happen. A miracle is not one unexpected spectacular event but a coalescence of small everyday efforts.
Fate rules. You follow the steps, and you plan and you work, then fate slips in laughing and makes fool of us. Sometimes we can trick it or outguess it but most often it's already written. For some it's written in blood, that doesn't mean we stop but it does mean we can't always comfort ourselves with blame.
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