A Monologue on Widespread Perplexities

Sometimes it's better to be confused than to have all the answers and be somehow maimed by them. Oscar Wilde said there are only two kinds of people that are fascinating - the ones that know it all and the ones that know absolutely nothing, yet I also heard somewhere that the fool thinks he knows everything while the sage thinks he knows nothing but if "I think therefore I am", doesn't that make both right? I don't know which category I fall under. My ideas have me spinning. It dawns on me that four fifths of the world population view life as a trial, a tribulation, a karmic debt that must be paid, a time of testing, a school where harsh lessons must be learned, and in general, a time to be endured while awaiting the real joy which is after death. I on the other hand see life as a celebration - whence I have nothing to learn or prove, least of all my worthiness. If desire is the very life force that flows in and out of my lungs and not the attainment of my goals but the desire in itself, why am I complicating things out of proportion?

I know that the journey never ends and that far sightedness never amounts to any good. Ironic or silly even to plan out life way ahead for now is really all that matters because now is all I've got. How do I spend this now? When most of my time is usurped not by actions but by the thoughts that guide them and I pertain to my daydreams of the FUTURE! Yet can there be a more fruitful, more productive way of spending my now other than daydreaming of what's to come and I feel good about it this instant anyway? If my only purpose, (or anybody's really) is to DECIDE what I want at this given moment and go after it or let it come to me, how is it that everything around me says otherwise? Why does it seem so much harder and so much more compound than that? I hate….how we are being manipulated, how we are fashioned by the media or the experience of others so much so that we deny our own experience so as not to betray what everyone else has said even though everyone else has a vested interest in the way we think! The answer is right frickin there, so obvious that it's gonna hit us between the eyes but we keep looking away.

 We like it. We enjoy our awareness and non awareness, no matter how much we try to deny it because if we didn't then we would've changed already to a better state (by however we choose to define "better")! But changing can be so difficult especially when we don't want to. When we're ready, we will. We're like kids who don't want to leave the sandbox and hate anyone who's trying to help us out not knowing they're gonna take us to Disneyland.

Life is delicious in all of its glory- the bad, the good, the grief, the joy, the mediocre, the grand- for we get to appreciate our preference more. The peak experiences are peak experiences because they're not ALWAYS there, if they were- they would just be ordinary, humdrum events that are routine like everything else.

So maybe this is what I'm doing. I guess to appreciate the clarity of my perspective I occasionally wanna be confused!!!!! Doesn't make sense does it? Or maybe it does…